Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile

   Obama said he wouldn't let his son play football bc he fears it would cause dementia. Someone should tell Obama that he doesn't have a son.

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   Give a man a fish and he'll ask you why you are trying to buy a box of donuts with a fish.

   Girl stop spilling your crazy all over me!

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   Given all the turmoil in the world, Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.................. And on and on. I don't like Miracle Whip. I just want good old Duke's Mayonnaise.

   Colorado has the best Chicken Pot Pie.

   I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.

   "A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!"

   "Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain!" - Religion

   I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

   Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can't dance.

   85% of men don't understand Women & the balance 15% suffer from short-term memory loss!

   Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.

   There's no crying in Vodka

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.