Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   Canada send us Justin beiber, we send Dennis Rodman to Korea, Korea send Gungnam Psy to The world.....just funny how the world works

   adding "Clinical studies have shown" to your sentences makes you sound more intelligent.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music, but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot"

   What happens when you eat pizza everyday for every meal? Asking for a ninja turtle.

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   You’re like a thief tryna avoid setting off the motion lasers in a museum when you want to leave bed after a cuddle without waking her up

   It's funny the only two states that legalized pot are sending their teams to the Super Bowl...I bet you won't be able to find a bag of Funyuns in the entire state of New Jersey.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   What do the Smurfs and a Tiffany's diamond have in common? They both come in a little blue box.

   Western quasi-liberal obsession with 'political correctness' is sick and disgusting almost as h0m0phobia itself.

   The Patriots defensive scheme worked almost as well as the Obamacare website.

   In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....

   Instead of, "Who won?" The most frequently asked question at Super Bowl 48 will be, "Hey, are you gonna eat the rest of those nachos?"

   Superbowl 48, 2 teams from the only 2 states 2 have legalized pot, I'm guessing tht their "secret" of success is a bowl of "weedies" every morn 4 breakfast

   I can't wait for the SmokeABowl!

   Super Bowl 48. Two teams from the only two states to have legalized pot. I can't guarantee who'll win, but I can guarantee that Frito-Lay is gonna make more $ than the NFL on this one.