Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, I am fed up with the gays demanding and ordering what they want. You are sick People. You have an Illness that needs a cure. Stop badgering the Normal people because you feel you need to express your sickness.

   Wishing death on someone ain't cool. Except when it's your ex, wish for a cruel death.

   There is a thin line between girlfriend allowance and a prostitute's fee. Jokes.

   Jennifer Aniston's acting has the emotional range of the volleyball in Castaway.

   If you axe me I be hatin' Ebonics.

   Justin Bieber, why you no die drag racing like Paul Walker?

   Justin Bieber arrested for DUI and street racing. He was under the influence of drugs and was incoherent. He resisted arrest without violence and didnt have a drivers license. There is no joke here, the headline is funny enough on its own merit.

   When a dumb chick takes her boyfriend back after catching him cheating on her, 90% of the time he will celebrate by cheating again.

   During love making she said "deeper" so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

   an episode of Cougar Town? No, sorry. I have plans on watching my car rust

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants

   To the woman who long ago decided she'd just put a pen*s in her mouth for the fun of it, your application for sainthood has been filed.

   Unless your pickup line is: I have a full time job and I'm ready for commitment... I'm not interested.

   Oh dear god. Please get these feelings off of me.

   People who say, "Never mind" after bringing something up really piss me off. Why did you bring it up in the first place?

   I'm happiest when I'm asleep. It's my little temporary death.

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back. . .

   I think married people should spend a lot of time experimenting sexually. Unless the name of the experiment is "Let's see how long I can make him go without sex".