Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   Bieber's arrest doesn't give him street cred, it actually just raises the street cred bar a little higher...

   Captain and Tennille divorcing after 39 years? But I thought "Love was going to keep you together"? I guess he got tired of "Doing it to her one more time"

   Florida inmates said to have some crazy "Bieber Fever" today. ‪

   It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

   To catch a bus you have to think like a bus!

   Romance Tip: Throw a boom box through a girls window

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.

   "What is an alcoholic Candadian woman with no talent, Alex"

   I don't use turn signals when I drive because a lady never tells.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   So you mean to tell me that speed dating doesn't involve methamphetamines?

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   Sometimes I get mad at my hand just for the make up sex.

   My favorite part of the bible is the part where that old guy is like "We're gonna need a bigger boat"

   I need a full body the selfie movement ain't doin it for me lady's

   Research has shown that more than 70% of apologies are meaningless bullsh*t.

   Didn't the volleyball in Castaway win an Oscar?

   Every minute Justin Bieber is held in jail is a victory for good music.