Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   G Strings are like regular strings except they get to snuggle in between two ass cheeks all day.

   I hate when I wake up naked in the dumpster behind Dunkin' Donuts and I can't figure out if it's jizz or donut glaze in my eyes.

   Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!

   That moment when your pushing the front door, when clearly the door label says pull.

   I'd like to pretend I'm up north right now, and possess the burning desire to post: "It's snowing and it's cold!"

   All things being equal, my way is better.

   That point in your diet when one belt hole is too tight and the next one is too loose.

   You know she is not that into you when she forgets your birthday but remember's birthday's for every member every member of One Direction and their pet dogs.

   Three times when it is OK for a man to cry: At your father's funeral, when a heroic dog dies saving his master, and when Mr. Happy gets caught in your zipper.

   How is the flirty married women comment even funny. It's not, but it is an EPIC Fail !

   When I was young, I always thought that old people walk the way they do because they crapped their pants. Now that I'm older I know why. It's because they crapped their pants. 

   If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.

   If anyone lost a roll of $20 bills with a rubber band around it...... I found it, spent the money and shot the rubber band at a suspicious looking squirrel that was eyeing my Reese's Pieces.

   Dukes of Hazzard turns 35 today. Reminds me of our government how Boss Hogg is never charged for his corrupt ways. Obama Hogg !

   How come it's the flirty, married women who act all snarky jealous if you post a pic of yourself with another woman?

   My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.

   This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.

   I call my condoms Peyton Manning. Cause they usually just stay in the pocket.

   I remember "The Simpsons" episode when Homer won a Grammy, then threw it into a dumpster. A bum picked it up, and even he didn't want it.

   I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “