Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love fades with time, shape, weight, looks and bank balance.

   You're not totally useless, you can be used as a bad example for frightening others.

   Have you ever walked into a room after a gay 0rgy? That's how your breath smells in the morning

   I stared into the abyss and the abyss was like, "Uh my eyes are up here!"

   I bet a tough part of fielding calls at a poison control center is not finishing most of your sentences with "...you unbelievable moron."

   My favorite yoga pose is mouthward facing pie.

   If Hilary gets elected President, she'll be the biggest prez since Taft!!

   I bet valet parking would make you rich in Atlanta Ga right now!

   Ok Northerners, stop criticizing how we handle snow & ice. It is very rare down here. You know kinda like winning a BCS National Championship up there

   Due to the recent out break of Norovirus. Royal Caribbean will be changing ships name to Exploader of the Sea.

   Atlanta is being held up by Winterstorm De'Andre LaQuocious Roosevelt III.

   At least people from the Southvdidnt have to name it a 'Superstorm.'

   Kanye: Hey baby you wanna role play? Kim: Sure, that sounds super hot! Kanye: Ok, you be Kanye West

   I don't know how the Canadian anthem isn't just people apologizing.

   I am recruiting for valentine's. I want my love to be crazy and beautiful. I want my love to be passionate and heart-wrenching and unpredictable. Boring need not apply.

   Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!

   Girls be like, "choose me or either lose me"....... Like they the only females out there saying that!

   They should give Bill Clinton 4 more years .