Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   I don't want to say you're unattractive, but do they have face transplants?

   When Valentine's day is round the corner, all Forever alone people start enumerating the benefits of being single.

   The terminator and my ex have a lot in common. They both said they'd be back.

   You called me "Honey." You brought me dinner. You met my family. And now you tell me you are just a waitress doing your job?

   I had too much to drink so I did the right thing and walked home from the bar instead of driving. Then I got busted for public intoxication. FML.

   I don't mind if you talk behind my back. It puts you in a better position to kiss my a$$.

   Ladies don't call a guy you are not romantically interested encouraging things like "babe", "love" or "hun". This is will only give the poor sods false hope.

   You want to look through my medicine cabinet? Fine. Just don't look through my nightstand.

   You are a pain in the ovaries!

   Oh well.. There is still time for Justin Bieber to accidentally over dose. . .

   Hey Auto-Correct,,, The intensive porpoises are here.. They say you have something for them.. Yes, all of them

   Why can't I find out anything on Google about this Superb Owl

   Will you be my Alentine? If so, later I will give you the V.

   Every since we got a Handicap permit, It's like everybody got one and I can't never find Handicap parking Now.

   "Im not sure if I actually have some free time on my hands, or if I'm just forgetting to come up with a really good posst?

   I am the only one who talks to his dog and then pretends like he is talking back?

   I finally got my shtt together but now it's too heavy to lift.

   "Once in a while I like to pretend I hear something they dont. It drives them crazy....." -Every stupid household dog

   Im not staying we you getting old grandma, but you should stand in that same place too long with the lurking vultures up above!