Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   I don't always eat my boogers... but when I do, it's because I'm on coke

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   Facebook is like an empty fridge. You keep checking it even though you know nothing will be there.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.

   That's a nice tribal tattoo you have there, caucasian man... or should I refer to your Native American name 'Man That Paddles Douche Canoe'

   Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?

   What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

   People leave, so I keep their voodoo dolls.

   Ride me like the pony you never got.

   I have a problem with pain pills, I can't find them anywhere!

   I was discussing NFL football with a friend when he asked ‘When was the last time the Redskins had a decent season?’ I replied ‘I think it was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America.’

   Can't decide what to get my lover for Valentine's. Like, do I buy it a new case, get it serviced or just constantly tell my phone I love it?

   If your bed has ruffles and 7 pillows on it, you must be Gay or Married.

   If you don't remember the last woman you made love to, you must be Gay or Married

   A Bagel: A roll with a hole. A F@t Girl: A hole with a roll.

   If you think its hard to kiss at night the lips that chewed your ass all day, you must be Gay or Married.

   Its not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   ts not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please