Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys who say, "We're only dating her and not yet married so why should I pay her bills" need to be reminded that sex is a 'marriage privilege'

   After 7 kids I got a vasectomy... Happy Valentines day darling you don't have to get that hysterectomy

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.

   The first rule of chess club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of chess club.

   love how music takes you away to another place... For example, RobinThick is playing at this bar, so now I’m going to another bar.

   Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation.. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas,,, thanks & congrats class of 10:47.

   Super Bowl Sunday: when people talk over the game and shut up during commercials. Go USA

   Oh the irony of these ugly and fat mother’s insisting and demanding that their sons only marry a woman who is beautiful and slender.

   It is becoming clear to me that the North beat the South in the Civil War by shooting fake snow at them out of cannons.

   someone to love and someone that loves me. and it would be awesome if they were the same person for once

   Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov't gets $40...

   Who's birdbrained? They flew south while we are freezing are asses off in this polar vortex

   The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   They should send "Get well soon" cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.

   "That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers

   At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds

   Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.

   Facebook is just like soap opera, meanlingless and trival BS...

   I just had Déjà vu...and you were a b itch both times.