Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid toothless brits

   The Beatles suck!

   Don't care about Beetles...But yes, LOVE every Beatles song! P.S. learn to spell before you try to Dish someone...

   Does anybody even really care about the Beetles?

   USA is a heavy favorite to take gold in Team Trwerking at the Olympics.

   I was watching a tutorial on youtube about how to sleep but it was so boring that I fell asleep

   Looks like Tony Gonzalez is the new Brett Favre.

   This bottle of whiskey and I are gonna need a safe word tonight.

   Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

   Wife: Why do you always have your eyes closed when we have sex? Husband: So I don’t lose my erection?

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

   Angels are just dead people who drink Red Bull.

   If you're single and you know it pet your cat.

   A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

   Keep calm and pretend it never happened.

   I knew my girlfriend was getting fat once she started fitting into my wife's clothes.

   Don't you mean it's Jay's finale, finale Tonight Show NBC?

   Michael J. Fox show canceled. I knew from the beginning it was a little shakey

   If you have an iPhone ask Siri what's today's holiday lmfao

   Saw a girl driving while talking on her cell phone. Made me so mad I almost threw my beer at her