Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ken Ham: Purple Monkey Dishwasher.

   Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

   Why was your bf wearing your bra?

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses and play scrabble. SCIENCE!

   Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.

   I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.

   Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.

   They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.

   Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.

   it's such a turn on when my bf can take my bra off with one hand..

   Watching these individualized Facebook movies while I am alone stinks. There's no one to ask "What did she just do? or Who is that guy?"

   Joe Namath's coat saw it's shadow... 6 more weeks of winter.

   If Kenny Rogers, Cher and Bruce Jenner stood right by a really hot radiator,,, who do you think would melt first?

   Seriously, does it really look like I want to see videos of so many losers on the Face!

   There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.

   I just tried to view on my Facebook (a look back) movie and had to agree that I was 18 or older before proceeding.

   I just did the Facebook movie thingy. Mine came back rated R

   Not to brad but you'll probably see a special on A&E about me one day.