Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to punish people who ask me how I'm doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.

   Does anyone know when Facebook is sending out our W2's?

   Spoiler Alert: Phillip Seymore Hoffman dies at the end of his Facebook movie.

   Ok now the people answerring the idiot are pissing me off!

   Women should just shut up and listen to and do what men say!!

   this is just not the place anymore, I'm gonna go pop some pop corn and go watch the movies on facebook!

   If she's special you have to send her a text message to ensure she made it safely to her destination this morning.

   Ignore him and he will go away, simple solution

   I heard it's no bread, no head. Well ladies, I just picked a loaf up!

   You don't have to be a proctologist to know an @$$h0le when you see one.

   What time does the funny stuff start around here? I can come back…

   Side chicks are always more excited about Valentine's Day than everyone else because for them, its as close as they will ever get to a wedding.

   If you want to bore your friends to death, this is the right place to get your material.

   Might as well change name to Boring S tatus Messages for F acebook.

   Roses are red Nuts are round Skirts are up Panties are down Belly To Belly Skin to Skin When its Stiff Stick It In

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. I don't care who you are, monopoly can get pretty intense.

   My boyfriend is such a treasure, I just want to bury him.

   I suck at creating endings in Essays.. "and they lived happily ever after" is over done, and apparently "seacreast out" is unacceptable.

   My 6 year old gave my 1 year old then run down on Halloween. She said, " When we get to the door you have to say trick-or-treat.. that means please in Halloween."

   Alot of people cry when they chop onions.. The trick is to not form an emotional bond.