Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.

   I know how the North won the Civil War - They used snow machines....

   Stupidity is the gateway drug to getting throat punched.

   Enjoy your morning, if I am not back in a couple of hours, send a search party and what I mean by party is.. bring beer. . .

   I can't wait for my gold medal in not murdering anyone today.

   To all you lovers out there....Enjoy your V.D.

   Having a bad Day? Remember there are folks who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

   Congrats to Comcast! Finally, somebody is happy to have Time-Warner Cable.

   The sale of Time Warner Cable to Comcast will be completed between 8am and 1pm depending on if the CEO is late at another appointment

   Comcast acquiring Time Warner Cable is like Nickelback and Creed deciding to go on tour together.

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   my valentine is Manti Te'o's old girlfriend....forever alone

   Single Awareness Day....this is going to be a S.A.D. day

   hey...do we look like we into cheap and safe like candles and flashlights???....Obviously when it comes to lighting crayons on fire, we into much more than just cheap and safe!

   If you are a "hands on" type of person than junior high school sex education teacher is not the job for you.

   When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his junk and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows new junk. If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves I don't know what is.

   Every taco bell value meal should be called a number 2

   I save money on toilet paper by keeping the 12-foot long receipts I get after every purchase at CVS.

   I’m so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members.