Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Jesus Christ, must I do everything around here?” -God complaining about Jesus being irresponsible.

   why do chickens wake up so early? it’s not like they have a job or go to school. all they do all day is just walk around eating and sh*tting.

   I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the Olympics from her house.

   I wish I was funny

   30 minutes till the Walking Dead!

   I think women should be put on the front lines of any military assault force once a month. PMS+ gun = unstoppable.

   Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff. -I. M. F.

   If sex is said to be the best exercise than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there's idea. . .

   I wonder how much of a deduction I would get in figure skating by having to keep one hand on the wall the whole time?

   The NSA is the only government agency that still listens to US citizens.

   I just had dead pig and unborn chickens for breakfast!

   Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   When my daughter grows up, I'm going to start reading her Facebook status's before bedtime. Just so she understands the importance of staying in school!

   When I get to heaven I hope I don't hear the words, "Just a formality before we let you in, gonna take a look at your Facebook timeline."

   Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.

   well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.

   Suggested Transformers 4 movie poster slogan: Your Suspicions Are Correct, We Hate You and Think You Are Stupid.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.

   Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women; that’s why they hate each other.