Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Females on facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I've ever met in my life.

   If I was prone to getting emotionally invested in a make believe world of words with no validity, I'd probably be more of a church-goer too

   I want to have my date and eat her too.

   Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate.

   Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

   I had my first gay experience today. I washed the dishes.

   Can people actually be allergic to sex or is my wife just pretending to be?

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Will there soon be an onslaught of Shirley Temple quotes like the Tupac and Marilyn Monroe quotes on facebook? I want to get in the game early and keep my edge

   Note to self: Next time, don't use "continue" as the Safe Word.

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   an earthquake on valentines night....somewhere someone thinks they were great in bed to their lover for a perfect ending on the holiday

   Feeling pretty bad right now for the boyfriends whose girlfriends are on their period today. #HappyValentinesDay

   Happy Valentine's Day...this statement just costs me $1.50 per word...thanks Hallmark Card store...

   Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.

   I am glad I was rejected for the past six months, I didn't have to buy some ungrateful biotch flowers.