Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i don't get why people find drunk texts annoying, you're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly

   Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don't know how to play chess.

   "How does a person go about celebrating President's Day Dad?" asked my son "well there's roughly two ways to celebrate it" I explained. "you can talk about past presidents or you can go buy a new mattress"

   It was probably just a goat with one horn missing that just happened to fly because unicorns aren't real.

   I'm glad I have work today. Who wants to celebrate Presidents' Day with this dude in office? In any case, happy bday month to George and Abe. You guys were pretty awesome.

   Tossing back a drink for all of the presidents who died...so that we could have a day off work. Salute!

   如果政府不看它的消费，我们将讲中国话 if the government does not watch its spending we will be speaking Chinese

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   I'm fluent in French, but only during sex or when I stub my toe.

   Sorry I put Vaseline on your windshield wipers.

   The voices in my head asked about you.

   I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN My tombstone.

   I've lived with demons. I can handle you.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?

   If you were a contest, I’d enter you.

   For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.

   Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA

   Ladies we don't say this often enough but THANK YOU. Thank you for not killing us in our sleep or putting arsenic in our sandwiches. Sincerely MEN.

   Who's up for some curling in my driveway?

   Bye, bye, Miss Alaskan Pie. Rode my Ski-Doo, To the igloo............................... This was a dumb idea, Sorry