Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never ignore coincidence. Unless, of course, you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence

   Stupid kidney stones ! I was just rubbing one out and shot the cat.

   If you can't do this job drunk, ..... get out of the business !

   And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger(anchor man roast)

   Shirley Temple died today. I just wish there was something I could drink to honor her.

   "There must be a very short line for your job."

   I hate people who write things on the internet that are passive-aggressively focused on a single person. You know who you are.

   I have a better idea. Why don't you just tell your boobs to stop staring at me?

   What else do you bring to the mix besides GREED?

   some ppls FaceBook movies went straight to Dvd..

   Your restraining order isn't going to keep me from eating the hair off your brush.

   I just accepted Jesus...to do my lawn for the next year

   Some of you are funny,some poetic,some angry,some horny,some drunk,some in love,some lonely,some crazy,some too-good-to-be-true. I <3 you all.

   Hey you ok? I haven't seen you post a selife in like 5 minutes.

   "I had no choice" - People who had a choice but feared the consequences

   No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.

   I dont listen, I just watch people talk.

   We have matching problems. Must be fate.

   To be fair, your friends never thought you were funny. Maybe They just figured out where you got your material. How bout you contribute some one liners for the rest of us.

   My ex girlfriend's facebook movie is already in the buy one get one free bin at the adult movie store.