Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wow some women dont appreciate anything,i surprised her with flowers and candy and all she had to say was "how did you get into my house!"

   Happy Valentine's Day, Peeps! Love is hard to find, so give some, get some, buy, rent or lease some, loan some out if you have extra. Spread a smile at work, wink at a stranger at lunch, or give a happy wave to someone in traffic. But above all else, i

   Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   Ever notice that Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease have the same abbreviation?

   On February 14, 269 A.D., a Catholic priest in Rome was tortured, beaten with clubs, and finally beheaded. His name was Valentine. Just thought you'd want to know.

   When I was growing up, families actually did stuff together. Things are so much better now.

   The great thing about waking up to 3 feet of snow is it gives me a legit excuse to skip my usual 5:30am 20K run.

   Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.

   I know how the North won the Civil War - They used snow machines....

   Stupidity is the gateway drug to getting throat punched.

   Enjoy your morning, if I am not back in a couple of hours, send a search party and what I mean by party is.. bring beer. . .

   I can't wait for my gold medal in not murdering anyone today.

   To all you lovers out there....Enjoy your V.D.

   Having a bad Day? Remember there are folks who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

   Congrats to Comcast! Finally, somebody is happy to have Time-Warner Cable.

   The sale of Time Warner Cable to Comcast will be completed between 8am and 1pm depending on if the CEO is late at another appointment

   Comcast acquiring Time Warner Cable is like Nickelback and Creed deciding to go on tour together.

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   my valentine is Manti Te'o's old girlfriend....forever alone