Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment

   I went to the store to buy some beef jerky but my credit application was turned down.

   If all the women on Facebook were laid end-to-end I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

   So I got a handjob from this Blind woman the other day and she proceeds to tell me I have the biggest shaft she's ever felt. I then told her, "You're pulling my leg!"

   O.K.... Now it's the scientists' turn to hide,,, and the Higgs boson has to find them

   I'm in touch with my feminine side. ... She just doesn't know it yet.

   Sure, we can bury the hatchet. How about in your head?

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   I am so famous & powerful that every movie is released in a cinema near me.

   If you're provoked by the slightest of the sly remark, you must visit a therapist before logging on to Facebook.

   Checklist: Poke People ✔ Delete People ✔ Block People ✔ Send Friend Requests ✔ Accept Friend Requests ✔ Ignore Chats ✔ Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ✔....Morning chores all done.

   Work hard for your bread Work smart for the wine and women

   If the Universe could talk, it would sound like a combination of Morgan Freeman and Optimus Prime.

   If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.

   Don't think of them as gingers. Think of them as sweet potato people.

   Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.

   Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.

   Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.

   Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.