Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.

   First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.

   Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

   If you suddenly find 715 new planets, is that a discovery or were you just not looking hard enough in the first place?

   I am ready to take our relationship to the level of appearing together in a Facebook profile picture.

   I saw a gorgeous Thai woman on the subway today. I kept thinking, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection," but then she did.

   There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don't know.

   I farted in Walmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   I'm bored, I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women

   You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"

   "Honesty is still the best policy, but with a little bit of common sense"...

   Remember, Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...!!!!

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   I was excited about spending some time on my treadmill this morning, but I don't know where I put my roller-blades. ugh.

   When people hurt you, think of them like a sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you but in the end, you end up polished & they end up useless.

   That funny moment when you are checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there’s someone inside.

   I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.

   Facebook bought Whats up for 19 billion dollars ... Mr.Zuckerberg, you could have downloaded it for freee !!

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills... I should be fine.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.