Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Head Lines in the News today. Philip Seymour Hoffman died of acute mixed drug intoxication. I am not mocking his death or anything, but no matter how weeds I mix and smoke is not going to kill me. . .

   If the animals are doing it, it must be the right thing - homo logic

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   Uptight, dumb chick litmus test. Send her a Poke. If she gets overly offended, don't bother going any further.

   Owning a car is having a friend you can scream inside of.

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   5 Stages of Life: 1. Just a kid. 2. Don’t want to be a kid. 3. Afraid you’re still a kid. 4. Definitely not a kid. 5. Wish you were a kid.

   You say “YOLO”, I say “YADA”. You’re A Dumb As%.

   Just saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said got dope?

   The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “Damn That’s how I want you to do it.”

   The easiest way to keep people from getting involved in your personal problems is to not post them on the internet.

   I only advocate hemosexual lesbians. You know ladies what I'm saying.

   Someone once told me it was really cool to bang a snowman.

   In every crowd there's that guy that used to work in an Inspirational Poster factory.

   Warning we now have a new I am so philosophical‎, ha,ha

   Thank you for the insprational quotes, but back to the funny.

   Make sure the important people in your life know how important they are before it’s too late.

   To make someone happy, give them three things: Attention, Affection and Appreciation.