Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching 'Night at the Roxbury.' "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

   I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   Every Steven Seagal movie is 90 minutes of me looking for the remote to change the damn channel.

   It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

   ßî†chës be trippin.. OK, I may have pushed a few.

   I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."

   The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.

   Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.

   I'm white, but I'm not "Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air" white.

   Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plan school shootings.

   Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra and many other problems !!!

   People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" must not understand the concept of sleeping.

   Jesus needs your money, but send it to me. ~ False Prophets.

   There's nothing wrong with living under a rock, as long as there's wifi..

   Enough with the chit chat.. its time to hit that

   If the shoe fits, shove it up your ass

   Sometimes I wake up and just know I'm going to need bail money.

   Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don't know how many pills to take.

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.