Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."

   You know who else put mushrooms on their pizza? Hitler.

   With my luck, the love of my life was on that plane.

   A busy tongue is good tongue,when it's not being used for talking.

   I wanna be the reason you realize your husband is really not that bad.

   One positive lesson I've learned from this missing plane..... I'm going to start dumping my murder victims in the Indian Ocean from now on.

   Would give Justin Bieber in return for missing plane.

   They're women, drama is not an option, it's in their DNA.

   Some people only pick up a Bible when they want a tattoo.

   FYI – If I tell you that you’re “special to me”, know that I’m just trying to be politically correct…

   Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't give a sh it.

   I hope my death somehow involves a shrimp fork.

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years

   ohh Crimea a river Ukraine... -Steven E. Hewlett jr (Too SOON INC)

   What are the chances that someone on that missing plane has a volleyball?

   She died doing what she loved......bringing up old sh*t.

   Real women don't label themselves as 'Dimes', 'Barbies', or 'Bad Bitćhes' because real men don't carry loose change, play with toy dolls, or wife dogs.

   Why is it when you go to the bank and ask for a loan the first thing you have to do is prove that you don't need it?

   Girls are never cuter than when they pretend that they’re easy going at the start of the relationship