Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got the moves like Jagger, and the medical bills to prove it.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   I wonder if Ralph Wilson's funeral will be blacked out?

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   You lost me at 'you should'.

   All I want is to see you smile. That and maybe a pizza.

   I see you stopped taking your meds. Can I please have them?

   The louder you make a women moan increases your chances of having a sandwich.

   I have no problem expressing my feelings. *loads shotgun*

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

   The problem is people are everywhere.

   In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.

   why would you argue with a feminist? what would be wrong with you? they hate you because you have a pen*s. not some douchey thing you did.

   Words I'm incorporating into my vernacular: Vernacular, Incorporating

   it just me, or was music better when ugly people were allowed to make it?

   I don't mind country music... but there comes a point in time when listening to lyrics about cruising around in a pick-up truck can drive you insane

   I saw a pretty girl and asked her "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven" She jumped in and said "That's an old line." I told her "you didn't let me finish... I was saying "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, like Satan?"

   when you heard a jet overhead this past two weeks, were you looking to see if was Malaysian Airlines 370?

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

   I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me