Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything's on sale when I'm broke.

   This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal

   I'm just looking for a respectable woman who'll put her thang down flip it then reverse it

   Not now, kids. Daddy's arguing with people on the Internet

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time.

   It's amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there's a pill available for it.

   Ladies; you’re all crazy and men are idiots. You just need to find the idiot that matches your crazy.

   There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.

   I got some new underwear. Well, new to me

   Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.

   Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. I joined him in the search.

   My ex asked me to buy her a birthday present. I bought her a coffin to let her know she is dead to me.

   Just read 'Everybody Poops' but I'm still skeptical.

   "I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!

   Why did the Conjoined Twins move to England? So the other one could drive.

   People glorify being single because you can sleep with anyone you want. In reality you can only sleep with the people who want to sleep with you. That’s a very different number.

   1920: “May I have this dance?” 1950: “Want to go to the drive-in?” 1980: “What’s your sign?” 2014: “Here’s a picture of my dong.”

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs...