Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

   Looking for hot women on the TV show "Jeopardy". Uh,..nope. Not today.

   I’m starting to think some people only have girlfriends so they can walk slowly in public in front of some guy in a hurry

   how come there’s nothing in the bible about people who step on the back of your shoe then it comes off? christianity is okay with that?

   in the words of our dear beloved and departed, Mother Theresa - “these hoes ain’t loyal”

   At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.

   I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people.

   If you can't handle my Kung Fu noises in the bedroom, then it's probably not going to work out.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   Drake has female tendencies.

   "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

   Taco bell now serves breakfast. America is truly a magical place.

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.