Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..

   Women just complain I mean gripe I mean argue I ........I mean women are smart honey

   Ladies, a piece of advice. If your boyfriend or husband gives you a facial/spa treatment as a gift, be a little more specific. After all, it might not be a good idea to post how happy you are that he gave you "a facial".

   Odd how all the 'intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth.

   Going vegetarian is a missed steak.......sorry had to

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

   My wife just put me in charge of obeying her.

   He said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore." She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"

   My doctor says I should exercise. Uh, excercise. That's that thing where you have to move, right?

   My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.

   I put the I just wanna TALK in STALK

   My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   My husband said, "Good Morning" and thats how the fight started.

   I wish they made c ondoms for ears so I didn't have to hear so much bullsh*t.

   I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

   Does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding... I have no clue whose kid this is.

   So many baby mothers post up pictures of their kids everyday.. I'm watching them grow.. I'm technically their step dad

   What's with those lower urinals? Are they for small boys or large men?

   When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow