Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If by "brighten your life" you mean I set you on fire than yes I here to brighten your life!

   The only time I'll ever need an intervention is if they name a beer after it.

   Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real

   At what point does the amount of abnormal in your life become so great that abnormal is your new normal?

   I'd like to be more than just friends... how about enemies?

   McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, “Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.”

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh!!!

   You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate

   My wife was all “Let’s try role playing” but now she’s all “Listen here, ‘Farmer Brown,’ I am not putting on a sheep costume.” SMH

   Nice guys finish somewhere other than in your hair.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   how do mexicans cut their pizza... with little ceasers

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   Sad to say but WWE is coming to the end....

   If you talk more than you think... That's a huge problem.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.

   licking cheeto dust off his fingers counts as foreplay, right?

   Why do fools fall in love? Because smart people know that, odds are, it will end horribly.