Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that horrible moment when you actually fall in love

   making up for low grades with high calories

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   Planning a wedding with your fiancé is good practice for divorce.

   A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

   Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, "If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership."

   Inspirational status: If you can make a person happy today don't do it. Punch them in the face instead and steal their shoes.

   At Starbucks I order under the name Dad. Then leave.

   I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she's going to kill batman or not.

   The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment...

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

   If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you.

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   I like my women the way I like my cocaine. Smuggled in from a foreign country and sold to me at a fair price.

   Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people..

   The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.

   Everything I eat turns to $hit.