Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never really understood why Clark Griswold lusted after Christie Brinkley, when he had a smoking hot wife like Beverly D'Angelo!!

   Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

   Nowhere in the nursery rhyme does it mention that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

   I find it very curious how quickly the Bundy ranch standoff was resolve once Hary Reid's involvement with the Chinese Gov't to develop the same ranch land was discovered ..... LOL

   This Bundy ranch thing seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through just so Obama can have a ribeye

   I blew my nose and then wiped my ass on the same piece of toilet paper. Your move Al Gore

   Lightning is like God's way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

   Being a gentleman in these times is a thankless job. I tried to compliment a seemingly nice young lady and ended up having to explain that I'm not, thirsty, creepy or a stalker.

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   My shadow is my only black friend.

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You're totally f cked this month"

   Moment of silence for all the adults who still don't understand sarcasm and satire... they must live lives of constant confusion and trauma.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   I just saved a bunch of fu<ks by not giving any.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.