Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention: Today only you can buy #googleglass for $1500 and look like an even bigger D-bag! It even matches your bluetooth earpiece.

   So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?

   If king Joffery of GoT and Justin Bieber were to be in a sinking ship, what colour of wet paint would you love to watch dry?

   I am a blood moon survivor.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

   Silence is golden unless you have kids then silence is suspicious.

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   n't it interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   the man in the moon is so embarrassed....look how red he is

   a lot of single women claim they're looking for "Mr. Right" so maybe I should change my last name to "Right"......then all these women will be wanting me

   The moon is so red tonight......oh wait my eyes are just blood shot....

   it's not "stalking" .....it's "starting a secret fan club that only has 1 member"

   I grilled today for the first time this year. The first charcoals in the grill were formerly the eyes and also the carrot nose of our stolen snowman.

   After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

   ...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.

   If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

   .... Hmmmmm .... I wonder if you pressure your child into becoming a drug addicted, alcoholic gang banger, ...... if they will disappoint you and become a doctor?

   Google's Apple glass knockoff will attachea small screen on a frame above your eyes, they're gonna call it the iBrowse.

   .... Hmmmm .... I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."