Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just realized that yet another piece of Americana is gone. The computer age has completely obliterated the following often heard phrase: "Send a self-addressed stamped envelope...."

   I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

   Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

   My spirit animal would run into a screen door.

   So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I'm pretty sure it the refrigerator.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.

   To be (horny) or not to be, that is the erection.

   Death and taxes .... trying to figure out which one is worse.

   I'd like to help you disappoint your family.

   "Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   If you say there's a party in your pants, you should throw some glitter on your nuts and make it a disco.

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.

   If God wanted more people to attend church why doesn't he lower the price of gas?

   Have you tried checking her purse for your balls?