Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class. 
'Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'
I selfie-a-day so people don't think I died.
What's cardio, and can I eat it?
Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f cuk down.
Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.
Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.
Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough
Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.
What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?
I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight"
Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There.
Kanye West is being sued by a woman who claims to have given birth to his love child. Kanye took it all in stride, however, since he has a history of being in "arrears" with other women
My reaction to the royals William and Kate visiting Australia is the same reaction I had to their kid being born. I couldn't give a f you c k!!
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
It's always a shame when someone dies and it's not Justin Bieber.
Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive. 