Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go anywhere is an invention of lucifer himself.

   just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.

   If no one is there to touch you, are you really there?

   I'm definitely not trying to insult your intelligence, you would have to possess some first.

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...

   Miley Cyrus I'll with allergic reaction:-CNN.. CNN, dude.. who cares about her?

   I live for this sh*t - People that don't understand biology

   Just glad Jesus died on a Friday Good Monday just doesn't 'roll' off the tongue as well

   My wife has decided to get a nose job. Unfortunately, the rest of her hasn't got a job to pay for it.

   I hate when reality happens outside of my head.

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   Well I was wrong about what I thought a Herpetologist is.

   Was just talking to my 9 year old nephew. When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was on another phone with his girlfriend. I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.

   You had me at, "Why do people keep asking me,what kind meds am I on?"

   Your fingers or mine? - LESBIANS

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me