Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.

   On a scale of one to forgets to breathe, how stupid are you?

   All of me wants none of you.

   I wonder if bank robbers have a safe word?

   Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   I think I will dye some Easter eggs white this year

   Dude, it's just another Friday. I would expect the religious ppl to be at work on time as well.

   Once the trust goes in a relationship, there's no point lying to them anymore.

   "If this is Good Friday, I'd hate to se a Bad one!" ...... Jesus

   Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can't use it.

   I expect all atheists to be at work bright and early tomorrow...

   Pain wouldn't be so bad if it didn't hurt so much.

   Gentlemen playing leapfrog are kindly requested to complete their leaps. - sign in a g@y nudi$t colony.

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   I'm really tired but it's OK. There's a nap for that.