Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Dow goes sky high, just as expected, and will go higher when more trade deals are announced. All the l€ft talks about is Qatar giving us a jet, and how they were roughed up for bum-rushing an ICE facility.

   I like to eat some weird and uncanny food combinations that would otherwise upset a normal person's stomach. So I guess you could call me "The Indigestible Hulk"

   I was really jamming to the band playing at a recent gathering, so I whipped out my lighter and started swaying back and forth. The look of disapproval I got from the audience was worrisome. I guess this type of behavior is frowned upon in the Church.

   Jasmine Crockett is the Dollar Tree version of Maxine Waters.

   It's not Juneteeth. It's Juneteenf.

   Octopuses originated in Scotland. They came from bagpipes.

   I'm thinking the guy who thought up the idea to build Venice over water is the same guy who thought putting holes in bagels was a good idea; he likes things that leak.

   Let's face it. Juneteeth is merely a replacement for a non-existent holiday in their culture... Father's Day.

   Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Be sure to remind your wife to have all the cleaning and laundry done by this evening so she can enjoy her special day.

   The world has officially gone full-on crazy. At this point, the best thing we can do is make some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.

   ast night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

   shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

   I'm pretty much still in control of most of my bodily functions.. Last time I farted, it was almost all gas.

   I guess CVS is going green. This morning's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long

   Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. "If you liked it, then you should’ve put a ring on it"

   Next time you go to Cedar Point and ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and tell the person in front of you, “Dude, these came out of your seat

   I think the salesman at Bob's Discount Furniture misunderstood when I told him I wanted one nightstand.

   I dont know who baby daddy need to hear this but Walmart got Mother’s Day cards in 4 packs

   I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27.

   If you're not Catholic. Kindly shut the f**k about the new Pope.