Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.

   My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction… Boy do I feel like a big jerk.

   For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   I tickled someone behind closed doors... now my giant dong is gone.

   I've took notice my Wife keeps scribbling in her diary that she thinks I'm to nosey

   Most of the lies I tell aren't even true!

   I advise you...don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   Why did the turtle cross the road? ...To get to the shell station!

   Have you ever been so drunk that you think its 1999?

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   Asked coworker what she was going tonight? She replied, drinking. I meant for Good Friday. She said dont worry, I'll pour one out for him.

   Corporate says we are having a half day at work today for 'April Day'. It's 2014, we can't even say Good Friday anymore? Society.

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace