Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am a collection of unfinished songs Michael Jackson left behind.

   What's with these atheists getting all snarky on us believers on Easter. We didn't give them a hard tome on April Fool's Day.

   If you say Snoop Dogg's name three times in the mirror, your weed will disappear.

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts

   Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.

   You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.

   He has risen!!! But only to use the bathroom, now I am going back to bed.

   You call it a cry for help, I call it the reason for a ball gag.

   Your "I Love My Wife" bumper sticker simply means you'd lose a fistfight against a loaf of bread.

   I might be white, but I'm not "saves plastic grocery bags to use for trash can liners" white.

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   Auto correct just changed my ex's name to deceitful sh*t talking money grubbing never in the mood for sex b*tch Weird

   Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

   When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink

   If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.

   How I met your mother? Well son, it was arranged.

   And then He said, "Don't be feedin any more homeless people until you have LED screens with this week's sermon in front of all my churches"

   Looked all over and found no eggs,they were stacked neatly in a carton ,uncolored in the fridge...well played Easter bunny ..well played!!

   Today is EASTER GRASS bake day!!