Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

   I don't do selfies. The only time I picture myself is when I am with you.

   Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   I never meant to pleasure myself in front of the cobras. The cobras were loving it.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.

   Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava

   After all these years, I finally figured out the reason why The Professor never got the castaways off Gilligan's Island, while we all know that he very well could have. He was doing both Ginger AND Maryann.

   All the Christian festivals revolve around chocolate & presents. Almost as if they're trying to lure kids in for some reason.

   So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   You can pour coffee into the reservoir marked “water” on your coffee maker. You can do this as many times as you want!!! Science!!!

   Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   An oversized kitten blessed me with a gigantic ballsack