Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   Angry, angry Christians everywhere (insert toy story meme here)

   "Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.

   A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

   'Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'

   I selfie-a-day so people don't think I died.

   What's cardio, and can I eat it?

   Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"

   You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f cuk down.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough

   Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day

   Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.

   What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

   I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight"

   Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There.