Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.

   Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

   No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

   Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.

   To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

   After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   "The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"

   Wrigley Field... this joke speaks for itself.

   Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

   What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

   Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.

   If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.

   Easter candy on sale. Welcome back 10 pounds.