Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only have two questions for my next girlfriend. 1. Do you want to marry me? 2. Why not?

   What did Michael Jackson have in common with the Chicago Cubs? He wore a single glove on his left hand, but it served no real purpose.

   Did you hear about the joke that EJ Manuel told his receivers? It went over their heads.

   What do the Chicago Cubs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and both get killed on the road!

   I wish "Earth Day" was a realityh show in which we can vote people off of the planet.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   Pro tip: If you use the rest room at Wal-mart, it will be more sanitary if you *don't* wash your hands afterwards.

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   I am woman. Hear me whine.

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   Damn are you a library book because you're old and slightly damaged but I'm still going to check you out.

   Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.