Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "No, honey, I don't talk about you on Facebook." *enables passcode lock on phone*

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   Fun thing to do #47 When you see someone on one knee tying their shoe stand in front of them and say "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES"

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   Feeling and thinking are directly proportional to each other and inseparable.

   Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   RIP to all those men who needlessly died at Gallipoli so that the corporations could benefit from another war.

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   I'm not entirely sure a life spent smoking e-cigarettes is worth prolonging.

   Seeing your kid at work today really put all your other mistakes into perspective.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… Like you ate a pinecone every single day.

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   Ladies;if a guy invites you to his place and u're like..."hope we not fucking" there's a Special place for you in hell

   Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   I'm drunk and I've got work tomorrow, but on the plus side. I'm having a great conversation with my dog