Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   ♫♫♫♫♫ The sounds of violence ♫♫♫♫♫

   “What I am is what I am… what you are is under arrest

   we can find old Atari games in a landfill but we can't find an AIRPLANE!?!?

   My Futon pulls out, but I dont

   If my boyfriend wants to break up, he has to make a 16-slide powerpoint with his sources cited on why and if I don't like it then we are still going out

   You don’t know how much someone is worth to you until you sell them out.

   You never really notice how many dogs bark on TV until you have a dog that barks back.

   If you’ve ever run out of alcohol then looked around the room for something to f cuk you up…then you’re a lot like me.

   Thank goodness Jehovah's Witnesses haven’t discovered Facebook yet. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts.

   the fact that Pitbul is considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   Interviewer: Any questions you’d like to ask us? Me: What level of candy crush are you on?

   10 black men are the equivalent of 1 white man

   Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

   I wonder if celebrities take Facebook quiz to see which non famous person they are? "You are Patrcia Smith. A janitor from Bridger, Montana!"

   The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

   i think Hawaiian Airlines should change slogan to "we do wheely well"

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering cheaper flights to Honolulu, with only a single stop to change wheel wells at San Jose.

   naked and afraid is much funnier when you make a fart noise each time you see a naked butt

   HOW TO TWERK.... STEP 1.....Reconsider...