Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m on that ”I don’t give a F ...K diet.” I’ve lost 10 a holes already.

   I know inside me there's a skinny person wanting to get out. What bothers me is that it's the entire cast of America's Next Top Model in here.

   My buddy only has one ball so when he sexts his GF he uses 4===D.

   I'll have plenty of time to be tolerant when I'm dead.

   Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.

   Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.

   I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

   Boss: So, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty Boss: I don't think that's a weakness Me: I don't really care what you think.

   Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.

   I'm not always productive as I could be... My brain has too many tabs open.

   I'm just a boy, looking at a girl. Ohh look, she has nachos. I'm just a boy, looking at nachos

   Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote? I do not understand the correlation

   I grew up in a Catholic Church and befriended the priest. It's a touching story.

   When black men pick cotton... All I can think of is the good ol' days! Praise Jesus.

   RIP DJ E-Z Rock...May your eternal journey home be filled with more Joy than Pain

   Remember the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.

   NOW ON EBAY - NBA TEAM for sale! previous owner with plantation mentality.