Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How could it be called a "botched execution" if the scumbag is dead.

   Today in 1992, Rodney King said, "Can we all get along?" SPOILER ALERT: We can't.

   Ever have one of those days when you don't give a rats ass only to find that you pleased a rat ?

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see a couple of rabbits frolicking in a summer meadow.

   I put some red in with the whites and now my wife will not allow me near the laundry anymore...had to wear pink shirts for awhile but it was well worth it.

   "Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby

   Donald Sterling likes his coffee the same way as his women. Luke warm and half white.

   I'm surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y'all.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

   The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows.

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   I've come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy walk into a bar. They have a great time, they're friends. It's 2014 you racist punks

   People b**ching in the express line about the lady writing a check will be p!ssed when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Bud Lite.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet? Step the fu*k up

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   I like my coffee so black not even Donald Sterling will drink it