Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Caller: My wifes going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Caller: No, this is her husband.

   Speak English or get off here.... (for below)

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...

   Fred Durst is directing a commercial for the dating site eHarmony. If he doesn't use the slogan "Do It For The Nookie" I will be highly disappointed.

   Baby I'm a troublemaker, I heard that you're a heartbreaker.

   Coffee is just a hug for your insides.

   I'm gonna ignore you like an I.T. guy.

   One should not hide their feelings but rather hide the evidence.

   Have you ever told someone you'd be ready in 10 minutes and 4 hours later you're still on Facebook?

   H0m0ph0bia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

   Pro Tip: Don't ask a chick if the Carpet matches the Drapes You sound like a interior decorator & everyone knows Interior decorators are gay

   Congrats on your 100th problem Jay-Z!!

   Good thing that elevator door opened when it did. I had Solange ahead by 10 points after the first round.

   It seems like every time Donald Sterling opens his mouth it is just to change feet.

   I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier...What kind of gun is it, does it come in different colors, how many bullets does it hold???

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.