Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The music biz status is a quote by Hunter S. Thompson, and of course here at 'tard central it gets panned.

   I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it's always the same one.

   What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman? Their criminal record.

   Okay Instagram... You deactivated Rihanna's account? I want my money back.

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   the L in salmon is ruining my life

   Waiter I'll tell you the same thing I told my plastic surgeon - give me crab legs.

   I wish moths and I didn't have the same taste in shirts.

   If porn had been free on the internet 20 years ago, I could have out arm wrestled a bear!!

   Man cannot live on bread alone. That's why we realized the same ingredients in bread can make beer too.

   It works both ways: You're drinking so she looks prettier, she's drinking so you sound more intelligent

   Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

   Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   If booze isn't the answer, then your question sucks.

   Oh, you're awake at 3AM? The rest of us don't give a F#$%...

   I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.