Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be the reason that you can never look at mayonnaise the same way ever again.

   Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.

   I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon"…

   The first date went so well I might even remove the duct tape for the second date.

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.

   If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs

   They told me I can't sit in the parking lot anymore and post that I'm working out. So I guess I'll go in and give it a try...

   that a 1TB flash drive in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

   No, for the last time, I do not want to build a snowman.

   I went and mailed some packages today and now I have Post Office Traumatic Stress Disorder.

   Community cancelled. Well it shouldn't take five plus years to get a two year degree anyways. Smart move NBC!

   Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious 'hold my drink' moments for 50 years...

   Anyone know how much bullsh#t an adult Depends will hold? Going to a political debate later and want to be prepared.......

   I wonder how many people's phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"

   I'm sorry, all I hear is your perfume

   If by exercise you mean grabbing my phone out of my pocket every two minutes then yes I exercise a lot.

   I don't know, Man, I'm just saying Spider-Man would seem a little bit more realistic if he hiked one leg up and shot web out of his ass.

   I plan on drinking all my morals away.

   I just replaced the deodorant in the office's bathroom with an air horn. And now I wait.