Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was once a child prodigy, now i'm an adult tragedy.

   You're as confusing as Daniel Tosh's sexuality.

   Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

   Anyone know what position Michael Sam will be playing for the Rams? Tight End or Wide Reciever ??

   I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.

   it's a little ironic when a gay guy gets drafted to the Rams....im sure he does a lot of ramming

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people’s phones.

   Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN

   I won the spelling bee in second grade due to a technicalaty.

   There is a quadriplegic convention downtown this weekend. That place is going to be crawling with people!

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?!"

   Unfortunately, these days being fake doesn't require any plastic surgery!

   Solange finally got a hit!!

   On a scale of Chris Brown to Jay Z, how aggressive are you with a crazy woman?

   I don't what the big deal is with Michael Sam. NASCAR has had Jeff Gordon for years! Bahahahaha!

   The Jay-Z incident - That's why I strongly believe women deserve equal rights. And lefts.