Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A violent outburst like that can only mean one thing...Jay-Z pushed all the floor buttons at one time.

   ..... So the first picture of Ben Affleck as Batman was released today!!! Question: When is Hollywood going to realize that they are never going to be able to replace the greatest Batman of all time ..... Adam West?

   If you are offended by the opinions I express then you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.

   The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.

   I hate when I get to work and I'm at work.

   Lacrosse...when it comes to sports, you are one big h0m0. I meant that in a nice way.

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero.

   If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

   Dear P0rnhub, A category called "oh, you have kids?" with videos no longer than 3 minutes. Thanks, Parents

   I'm going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.

   My seduction technique is to make things awkward and then not talk to you for a while

   My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.

   Facebook taught me to mind everyone else's business.

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   Dating tip: gently but quickly place her in the trunk before she asks any questions like, who are you?

   Jay-Z Officially has 100 Problems

   If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head...

   Good moaning to you all!! (that is not a typo)

   I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.

   I put the pro in inappropriate.