Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weird how it’s always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

   One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.

   I don't talk to myself. My dog is generally around.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   At some point you outgrow feelings and you outgrow people. Its nothing personal. Its part of human nature. As much as we would want it to, nothing lasts forever.

   Black guys covered in tattoos just look paisley now.

   I give my number to this hot sexy as@ bi#ch.. She said I will call you when I get home, I think that bit$h homeless..

   I need help programing my dvr to skip news and record the commercials.

   .... Naw ... Blinded by the light ... Revved up like a deuce ..... Another runner in the night .... Yup, Bet that cuts the odds a bit.

   There's a 95% chance that you'll go through your whole life without ever knowing the next line to "Blinded By The Light."

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   So Casey Kasem is missing, they should get Scoob and the gang to solve this mystery.

   When a first date ends with an awkward hugshake, it's usually the last date too.

   Could someone introduce Beiber to Casey Kasem?

   Somewhere, right now, someone is getting something you wanted, but couldn't get, and they didn't try, or even want it.

   There are 2 types of clowns: registered & unregistered sex offenders

   Casey Kasem: Coming to a milk carton near you.

   Casey Kasem is one of the "Top 40" adults missing in America.